More Fundy Fun

Read Pete Fundy's answers to the famous Proust Questionnaire.

What is your current state of mind?
Restless and somewhat anxious. I’m told this is common with the E.D. meds that I’m taking.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Occasionally smoking a cigar that’s roughly the same diameter as one of Ann Coulter’s bony legs.

What is your greatest fear?
Never finding a publisher for my book, tentatively entitled HELL ON EARTH: WHY GOD CURSED US WITH SO MANY FILTHY LIBERALS.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Confidence.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Faith. Bill Bennett may disagree. But, for all we know, Bill’s probably sitting at a roulette table right now.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Right now, I’d just like to lose this erection.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Heterosexuality.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Subservience.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“I’m Pete Fundy.”

Which talent would you most like to have?
President George W. Bush’s uncanny ability to lead, despite an undoubtedly unrelenting urge to crawl back into a Jim Beam bottle.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Mrs. Pete Fundy is the love of my life – especially when she leaves Pete Fundy alone long enough to watch the Dallas Cowboys.

Where would you like to live?
Laguna Beach would be a wonderful place to live if it wasn’t suffering from a severe infestation of freaks.

What is your favorite occupation?
Pundit.

What is your most treasured possession?
My gas grill.

Who are your favorite writers?
The 80 WGA members needed to make Stephen Colbert “funny.”

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Kermit the Frog

Who are your heroes in real life?
Jim Henson, Dick Cheney, and that poor SOB who got shot by Dick Cheney.

What do you most value in your friends?
A rabid insistence that they be allowed to pick up the tab.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Sweating.

How would you like to die?
Atop the New York Times Best Sellers List. And Courtney Cox.

What is your motto?
“Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”

Do you like what you read? Subscribe to Coast Magazine »