Pity Party

Humor columnist Christopher Trela sets his sights on the White House.

Vote for Trela, he’s a heck of a fella.”   

You might remember that slogan from my ill-fated run for governor of California several years ago. I was a write-in candidate on a ballot that listed more than 100 names, so it’s no surprise that the election didn’t go my way.

Last year, the slogan was altered slightly to “Vote for Trela, he’s a son of a beach” after I announced my intention to run for president, but I withdrew after a slew of candidates with more cash, qualifications and better haircuts entered the fray.

Don’t worry, all is not lost. Now that it’s primary time across the country, I’m back with a new scheme to ensure employment in the White House, thereby offering the opportunity to initiate changes that will impact my faithful OC constituents. Instead of the presidency, my sights are set on an even bigger prize: the Academy Award.

Of course, my fine denizens of democracy, this can mean only one thing: I have decided to run for vice president of the United States.

Why vice president? Simple. Al Gore made it look easy, and he won an Academy Award and a Nobel Prize. Nixon was vice president and look what it got him. On second thought, look at me. My sights are set considerably lower. Plus nobody else is running for vice president, which offers a golden opportunity to stand out from the non-existent crowd. It also doesn’t matter which president I serve under. My candidacy is not only bipartisan, it’s bipolar, bimonthly and bicuspid, thereby nailing down the “bi-” vote while offering untold hope to people of both major parties.

Speaking of party, did I mention my new affiliation? Because I live in Newport Beach, I’ve embraced the myriad of amazing elements that make this town what it is, added salt water and a commodore’s cap, and created the People in Terrific Yachts (PITY) Party.

How can you participate in the Pity Party, and what can it do for you? Those are good questions that deserve thoughtful answers. However, we don’t have time to think. It’s time for action, and act I will.

If elected vice president, I propose to help run our country by establishing a Western White House in OC. Let our president labor under the weight of all the weirdos in Washington. I’m at my best basking on the beach, sipping a cool one while watching an endless procession of silicon blondes in bikinis parade past my sandy perch.

In fact, that’s exactly where my White House West will be: on the sand. Or at least within view of the sand. In keeping with the theme of Pity Party, I’ll run my share of the country from a yacht cruising the OC coast. Not my yacht, of course. The people’s yacht. Yacht Force One. Your tax dollars paid for it. I’m just borrowing it for a few years.

While working as hard as one can aboard a luxury yacht, I’ll initiate legislation that benefits all of Orange County. Well, at least coastal OC, since that’s the area I’ll see whenever I look up from my martini… I mean work.

I can’t go into details because the devil is in the details and nobody likes the devil. However, I can deal in generalities as well as anyone running for president. The Beatles sang “All you need is love.” My campaign song is “All you need is Pity.” The Beatles broke up but I’m still together, as together as someone could be sipping martini after martini while cruising aboard a luxury yacht.

I know what you’re thinking: “How can I be part of the Pity Party, and how strong do you make those martinis?” Joining the Pity Party is easy. Just make a contribution in any denomination, unmarked bills only. We’ll also take land if it’s in Newport Coast or Lido Isle. Donate a free boat dock in Newport Harbor and you’re automatically made chair of the Pity Party.

As for those martinis, I cannot reveal the ingredients, but Senator Ted Kennedy approved the recipe, and we all know his stellar reputation.

And so, remember me on your ballot, and have Pity – pity for me, pity for you and pity for us all.

Christopher Trela is a local freelance writer. He can be reached at chris4arts@aol.com or (949) 813-5571.

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