Amusing Musings

Columnist Michael Ray ponders old Newport, new Newport and new, new Newport Beach.

ON MOCKING NEWPORT BEACH

Newport is an easy target. Many of its people are vainglorious, tacky and nouveau-riche enough to think they can buy class. Others are so bigoted they would sign up for the Nazi Party if they could. Others make it a point of pride never to drive east of the 405.

Still, all in all, hasn’t the OC thing already been done to death? Even reality TV has lost interest in the act. Do we need more of it in this column?

According to my Newport Beach friend Jeff S., we sort of do. He says he misses the columns about Old Newport vs. New Newport vs. New New Newport. So here are a few more, for old times sake.

ON FAMILY VALUES (kids)

Old Newport Spare the rod and spoil the child.
New Newport Send them to boarding school.
New New Newport Suffocate them with over-achievement expectations.

ON FAMILY VALUES (adult)

Old Newport Keep it together at all costs.
New Newport Appear to keep it together at all costs.
New New Newport Disconnect from the Internet at least once a week.

ON THE STATE OF THE UNION

Old Newport Let’s go kick some a*#.
New Newport I want my exit bonus tomorrow, in cash, with major liability insurance against derivative stockholder suits.
New New Newport I’m not from here. I am a citizen of the world and am diversifying into better alternatives.

ON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

Old Newport McCain sucks, but I’ll vote for him anyway.
New Newport (female) I’ll vote Hillary because I’ve been asked by a friend of a friend who knows her really well, but I won’t tell anyone because everyone hates her.
New Newport (male) I’m going drinking in Mexico.
New New Newport I cannot help myself. I’m a believer. Obama.

ON WRITING SOMETHING REALLY CONTROVERSIAL

This is a lifestyle magazine. You cannot write anything truly controversial, like for example that W. is the worst president ever. On the other hand, even my most hard-bitten friends no longer bother to defend him, and it feels so good I’ll state it again: George W. Bush is the worst president in the history of the United States. Wow!! Doesn’t it just send shivers up your spine!!!

ON WRITING SAPPY COLUMNS

People are a bit uncomfortable with me being sappy because so many of my columns are sarcastic. So let me explain: I’ve traveled a lot, but this place is special and I do love it. Its foibles can be forgiven because they are the sins of an immature culture, and that very immaturity attracts me. Here, anything is possible. Any dream. You are what you invent. Ask my business partner and brother Walkie and his wife Janet. They invented the Discovery Science Center in Santa Ana.

ON THE COLUMN AND WRITING IT

• Some people tell me they pick up Coast solely to read my column. That is what they tell me. If you are one of those people or might be one, please e-mail the editor and tell her you adore me. I need the raise.
• It used to be that the hardest part of the column was writing it to a wordsmith standard for which I could claim pride. I had a million ideas. Now, the hardest part is coming up with fresh ideas worthy of commentary. Got any?
• Writing the column is a lot like doing a monthly term paper except you don’t get a grade. You get “helpful” comments from friends.

Michael Ray was born and raised in Corona del Mar, currently lives in Laguna Beach and makes a living as a real estate entrepreneur.

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