Vote for Trela

Christopher Trela may be many things, but a quitter he's not. He's still running ... for something.

uper Tuesday has come and gone. It’s time to analyze the results and answer the question that’s silently been asked by amateur mimes throughout the country: Who is Christopher Trela and why is he still running for vice president of the United States?

You may recall my recent campaign as a member of the Pity Party (“Vote for Trela – he’s a heck of a fella”). Because I don’t owe allegiance to any major party, I figured the public would vote for me in droves.

I was wrong.

The public did not vote for Trela in droves. Since Trela was not on the ballot, everyone assumed Trela was a non-candidate, and who wants to vote for a non-candidate when plenty of non-candidate names were already on the ballot?

Don’t fret, my faithful fans. Trela is not going anywhere, and based on the price of gas, neither is anyone else.

Now that each major party has clear frontrunners, the question of a running mate is on the minds of those who will ultimately represent their respective parties come November. That means that instead of trying to appeal to millions of voters, I need only appeal to two candidates. Those are good odds, and I am hands down the odd favorite. Nobody in the race is odder than me.

However, I know a bigger question lingers in the minds of OC voters: How could Trela help Orange County while in the White House?

That’s a good question. No, make that a great question, and Trela is all about being great. He strives to be great. He may not achieve it every time, or even very often, but if you take away the letters “g” and “r” you have “eat,” and who doesn’t love to eat? Trela does, so why not elect a fellow eater?

As your vice president, I pledge to make America aware of important local issues, including Measure B, the 241 Toll Road extension, and the lack of Indian casinos in the county. Shining a spotlight on these types of topics will plunge mundane members of the coastal OC populace into the national limelight.

Take for example Measure B, which got a majority “yes” vote in Newport Beach, yet was immediately plunged into limbo based on questions of legality. Whatever the final outcome, Measure B ultimately will not settle two age-old issues: Where do we build Newport Beach City Hall, and what really happened to Amelia Earhart?

The Earhart answer is easy, but she swore me to secrecy. If Newport was smart, they’d swear me to secrecy, too. They do swear at me, so that’s a start, but it’s not enough to keep me from mulling the city hall conundrum.

Opponents of Measure B say that the proposed site next to the main library should be a park. Anyone who drives past that puny parcel of land can tell that’s no place for a park. Better to pave that non-paradise and put up a parking lot. Or a building. A city building. With halls. City halls.

Opponents also say it would cost millions of dollars to grade the property. Have they glanced at Newport Coast lately? Homebuilders have no problem grading those steep slopes, so why not let them have a go at the Fashion Island site?

As to the 241 Toll Road, the extension has been controversial from the start, but I don’t think it’s the proposed route that has people upset. I think it’s the name. Add the numbers two, four and one together and you get seven. Roll a seven at a Vegas crap table and you lose, and nobody likes a loser. Why not change the toll road number to 100? I don’t know anyone who could object to 100, and if you add up the digits you get one, and we all want to be number one.

As far as casinos go, once the new 100 toll road is built, I’m sure we’ll uncover some forgotten Indian land upon which to erect casinos that will be the envy of every tribe in the state.

Then again, I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before. And don’t forget – I’m just the proposed vice president. What do I know?

So where does that leave me? More important, where does it leave you? I don’t know, but I do know this: I’d cry to get your vote. Yes, I would. In fact, just the thought of crying has me tearing up, and we all know that tears are made of salt, and OC folks are the salt of the earth, and we all need salt in our diet.

Make me part of your diet and Vote for Trela – he’s a salty fella.

Christopher Trela is a local freelance writer. He can be reached at chris4arts@aol.com or (949) 813-5571.

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