Believing in true love can be much easier than attracting it, much less holding on to it. In this month of commoditized romance, red roses and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, we sit down one-on-one with Dr. Deepak Chopra, bestselling author, spirituality teacher in what many call the New Age movement, as well as founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing in Carlsbad and the wellness website jiyo.com. The Chopra Center offers a three-day workshop called “Healing the Heart” February 10-12. Chopra shares advice on cultivating love for a lifetime in this exclusive interview with Coast.
Believing in true love can be much easier than attracting it, much less holding on to it. In this month of commoditized romance, roses and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, we sit down one-on-one with Dr. Deepak Chopra, bestselling author, spirituality teacher, leader in what many call the New Age movement, as well as founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing in Carlsbad and the wellness website jiyo.com. The Chopra Center offers a three-day workshop called “Healing the Heart” Feb. 10-12.
Chopra shares advice on cultivating love for a lifetime in this exclusive interview with Coast.
Do you believe in soulmates?
I do believe that if two people are in the same frequency of consciousness it feels like they are soulmates. But if they don’t evolve at the same rate, they may find another soulmate. It’s not forever. It’s very rare for people to be in the same state of consciousness and then evolve in the same rate of consciousness.
People want things to last forever.
They may say they want it to last forever, but anything that lasts forever would doom us to senility. It’s natural to want change. You can’t stop change. It’s the nature of the universe – it evolves. Forever would become boring.
So you have to be exciting to one another – evolve and keep it interesting?
Yes, yes, yes.
How do you attract and prepare for the love of your life?
If you want to attract a certain kind of person in your life, then you have to become that person yourself. If you want someone with humor, then you have to be someone who expresses those qualities yourself – whatever qualities you want to attract. Be what you seek.
Focus on being loving and compassionate, joyful and peaceful and then the rest will follow. You can make that a mantra if you want, “Joyful energetic body, loving compassionate heart, reflective, alert mind and playfulness.”
Is insecurity a death knell of love?
Only if you don’t accept it. If you embrace insecurity, that means you embrace vulnerability and that can actually lead to love … love can mean embracing your vulnerabilities and being transparent about them.
You’ve talked about the importance of loving yourself.
Yes, but when we say loving yourself, it doesn’t mean loving your ego personality. There is a deeper aspect of yourself, and that is your soul, and you have to love that part of yourself. Most people who are loving themselves are mistaking their selfie for their self. I say you have to meditate, you have to accept yourself, you have to forgive yourself. You have to forgive others – not necessarily because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace. So forgiveness, gratitude, self-acceptance and non-judgment are the key to loving yourself.
What can help you stay together in a relationship when it is so easy to leave? We live in a “swipe left” culture.
It’s important to recognize that true love and relationships can only blossom and evolve if people in that relationship are committed to spiritual growth. If they’re not, that’s when separation occurs. So part of it is that you have to recognize that every relationship is a mirror of your own state of consciousness. If you are living in fear, then your relationship will mirror that. Fear is the most basic emotion of separation; love is the most fundamental experience of unity. So between the two there are all kinds of gradations of emotional experiences – anger, hostility, frustration, resentment, grievance, guilt, shame, depression – so relationships always mirror that.
If two people are committed to a relationship, they have to recognize the traits they don’t like in the other – that most aggravate you – are a reflection of yourself. And the traits that you most like in the other are also a reflection of yourself. So you ask yourself, “What are the traits I like in the other?” “How can I grow in those traits?”And the traits that distress you are also your mirrors, so you can ask yourself “How can I not deny those and confront them in my own self?”That is the first step to be aware. When you grow in awareness, you grow in love is well. Having said that, there has to be a commitment and a maturity and a sobriety that a relationship requires.
When you want your partner to change, even in ways that may seem superficial – losing weight, being more social, etc. – is it OK to make that request?
You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. Even when you want to change yourself, you’re struggling … People never ask the question “How can I be the one who is changing?” They always ask, “How is the other person going to change?”
What is the biggest issue in attracting and keeping a soulmate?
The biggest hurdle I would say is not understanding that in every moment of your life your relationship is reflecting who you are.
Any mantra for sensual, romantic love no matter if you’re looking to attract a relationship or you’re in a relationship?
I would practice attention, affection, attraction, appreciation and acceptance.
What advice do you have for when you’re grieving something that didn’t turn out the way you hoped, whether it’s a job interview, an election or a relationship?
You have to accept what has happened; otherwise you’re in denial. Once you accept what has happened, you can grieve your loss, because you’ve lost something that you were holding on to that was very precious to you. And then you have to move on by saying, “How can I participate in the healing at every level? At the level of feeling, at the level of thinking, at the level of speaking and at the level of action?”
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Celebrate this Valentine’s Day for yourself or as a couple with the gift of holistic wellness.
The Chopra Center
Odyssey Ayurvedic Massage ($215)
Omni La Costa Resort & Spa
Costa Del Mar Road, Carlsbad, CA 92009
760.494.1600
Miraval Life in Balance Spa
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1 Monarch Beach Resort
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949.234.3368
Burke Williams
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714.769.4001
burkewilliamsspa.com
(also available at the Mission Viejo location)
Coast: So you have to be exciting to one another – evolve and keep it interesting?
Chopra: Yes, yes, yes.
Coast: How do you attract and prepare for the love of your life?
Chopra: If you want to attract a certain kind of person in your life, then you have to become that person yourself. If you want someone with humor, then you have to be someone who expresses those qualities yourself – whatever qualities you want to attract. Be what you seek.
Focus on being loving and compassionate, joyful and peaceful and then the rest will follow. You can make that a mantra if you want, “Joyful energetic body, loving compassionate heart, reflective, alert mind and playfulness.”
Coast: Is insecurity a death knell of love?
Chopra: Only if you don’t accept it. If you embrace insecurity, that means you embrace vulnerability and that can actually lead to love … love can mean embracing your vulnerabilities and being transparent about them.
Coast: You’ve talked about the importance of loving yourself?
Chopra: Yes, but when we say loving yourself, it doesn’t mean loving your ego. There is a deeper aspect of yourself, and that is your soul, and you have to love that part of yourself. Most people who are loving themselves are mistaking their selfie for their self. I say you have to meditate, you have to accept yourself, you have to forgive yourself. You have to forgive others – not necessarily because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace. So forgiveness, gratitude, self-acceptance and non-judgment are the key to loving yourself.
Coast: What can help you stay together in a relationship when it is so easy to leave? We live in a “swipe left” culture.
Chopra: It’s important to recognize that true love and relationships can only blossom and evolve if people in that relationship are committed to spiritual growth. If they’re not, that’s when separation occurs. You have to recognize that every relationship is a mirror of your own state of consciousness. If you are living in fear, then your relationship will mirror that. Fear is the most basic emotion of separation; love is the most fundamental experience of unity. So between the two there are all kinds of gradations of emotional experiences – anger, hostility, frustration, resentment, grievance, guilt, shame, depression – so relationships always mirror that.
If two people are committed to a relationship, they have to recognize the traits they don’t like in the other are a reflection of yourself. The traits that you most like in the other are also a reflection of yourself. So you ask yourself, “What are the traits I like in the other?” “How can I grow in those traits?” The traits that distress you are also your mirrors, so you can ask yourself “How can I not deny those and confront them in my own self?” That is the first step to be aware. When you grow in awareness, you grow in love is well. There has to be a commitment and a maturity and a sobriety that a relationship requires.
Coast: When you want your partner to change, even in ways that may seem superficial – losing weight, etc. – is it OK to make that request?
Chopra: You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. Even when you want to change yourself, you’re struggling … People never ask the question “How can I be the one who is changing?” They always ask, “How is the other person going to change?”
Coast: What is the biggest issue in attracting and keeping a soulmate?
Chopra: The biggest hurdle I would say is not understanding that in every moment of your life your relationship is reflecting who you are.
Coast: Any mantra for sensual, romantic love no matter if you’re looking to attract a relationship or you’re in a relationship?
Chopra: I would practice attention, affection, attraction, appreciation and acceptance.
Coast: What advice do you have for when you’re grieving something that didn’t turn out the way you hoped, whether it’s a job interview, an election or a relationship?
Chopra: You have to accept what has happened; otherwise you’re in denial. Once you accept what has happened, you can grieve your loss. Then you have to move on by saying, “How can I participate in the healing at every level? At the level of feeling, at the level of thinking, at the level of speaking and at the level of action?”
