OC Monarchy in the Making
WEB-EXCLUSIVE: Forget the White House, humor columnist Christopher Trela is reaching for the crown. And His Majesty has found the perfect castle...
|
Barack Obama is president, and I’m not. Despite my brazen bid for the White House as the only candidate from the RAT (Real American Trela) party, I received no votes. Not even my mother voted for me, and I call her twice a week. Even I didn’t vote for me, but – to paraphrase Groucho Marx – I can’t support a party that would have someone like me as a member.
However, my concept of creating a political enclave that would make Orange County the Western Washington is still a sound one, and being as sound of mind and body as Phil Spector, I am prepared to carry on with my convictions until convicted.
And so, my fellow Orange Countians, there is only one way out of this political predicament: secede from the union and crown me King of Orange County.
A radical idea, to be sure, but this country was built on radical ideas. We were all meant to be free, and who doesn’t like free radicals? I sure do, unless Charles Manson is released from prison. But we can all be released from a stifling economic prison once I’m running the country – the country of Orange County.
Some suggest that secession doesn’t work and cite the Civil War as a prime example of failed secession. That was nearly 150 years ago and we’ve learned from those mistakes. Removing a chunk of the country receives unwarranted attention. Removing a quasi-clandestine county renowned for Botox clinics and classic boats is much easier.
Let’s sneak away from the country when no one is looking. Washington is wrestling with an economic stimulus package, Sacramento is wrestling with Schwarzenegger and I’m wrestling with a Winnebago that can’t be parked on city streets. What better time to solidify the Orange Curtain and erect an electric fence around OC?
Now that we’ve staked our homestead, I’m willing to accept the crown and claim my place as King of OC. But why a monarchy, you say? Why not? It worked for England, and don’t we all speak English or at least a reasonable facsimile?
Every king must have his castle, and so shall I. But instead of building one at taxpayer expense, I plan to reside in a prefab castle: Sleeping Beauty Castle in Disneyland. I have a premium annual pass, so I think I’m entitled to that privilege. It may get a little loud when the fireworks go off, but I’m usually up late solving the problems that plague our county.
Yes, our county has problems, but as John Lennon said, “There are no problems, only solutions.” Of course, Lennon never slept here, but Paul McCartney did, and that’s close enough. In fact, Sir Paul is the solution to stabilizing our economy. What if the ex-Beatle gave a concert at the Great Park that was attended by every resident of OC? Ticket sales alone would create a budget surplus, not to mention merchandising and movie rights. Paul would do this for us if we guarantee that the sea lions in Newport Harbor would be worshipped instead of despised.
Once my monarchy has money, we can buy our way out – I mean fix – almost anything. Got a bank going out of business? Give it some cash. Got a business going bankrupt? Give it some cash. Got a Broadcom executive whose credibility is nearly bankrupt? Hmmm… let me reconsider that one.
And so, as the failures of Wall Street resound on Main Street, they won’t land on our streets because OC is safe and secure. To ensure that safety, I’ll decree that the OC Fair & Event Center holds a weekly gun show so residents can purchase firearms. As John Lennon said, “Happiness is a warm gun,” and who doesn’t want to be happy?
So as we go about our business, rich and armed and smiling, we can all thank me for making this possible.
But wait – I hear a protest in paradise. You think this idyllic existence borders on boring? Just because we have money doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. Money doesn’t buy freedom from traffic jams on the 405 or shorter check out lines at Ralphs or valet parking at South Coast Plaza. Well, maybe that. We’ll still have to grapple with great annoyances that are part and parcel of living in the OC. I can’t think of any major ones offhand, but then I’m your king and my life is pretty good.
And now, because Disneyland is ending its normal operating hours, I must take my leave of you. Just know, my satiated subjects, that as your king, I have your best interests at heart. No matter what it costs or how much debt this county eventually incurs once our cash runs out, you can count on me to be here. In my castle. Until my annual pass expires.
Christopher Trela is a local freelance writer. He can be reached at chris4arts@aol.com or (949) 813-5571.
