Tough Times in the Great OC
Even Orange County has been affected by the current financial crisis. So, we've put together an insider's guide to keeping the OC lifestyle on the trim side. Don't forget to take our Web-exclusive wealth – or lack of – quiz.
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Contrary to depictions in shows like “The OC” and “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” we here in Orange County are a tough bunch. We can go without our home theaters, tangerine sports cars and personal trainers. We just choose not to. However, the fate the almighty – i.e., the financial market – has chosen for us isn’t looking so sunny just now. If the Dow drops any further, we may even have to stop flying in our lobsters from Maine. First Class anyway.
Welcome to the upper-middle class; it’s not the platinum lining you’re used to, but it’s not as bad as you think. Despite Hollywood stereotypes, the Orange County coast’s socio-economic continuum does not just span from the really rich to the über-rich to the crazy-green-eyed-jealousy-inducing-money-grows-on-Mediterranean-palms-rich. That’s merely 90% of us – and shrinking faster than you can say “sell Citigroup!” And all of us – high-flying business moguls or OCTA-riding single moms – are now forced, in the vernacular of the day, to “take a haircut.” Yes, we all have a long overdue appointment with the stylist. Unless you are in banking, of course. Then, our advice is simple: Avoid investing my and your neighbor’s tax money in office redecorations, Vegas trips or 12th-century, plumbing-challenged toilets. That’s what got us all into this mess in the first place.
Below we offer advice on how to get through this worldwide financial meltdown – excuse me, we mean Grand Canyon-sized “opportunity” – and outline three levels of “trim” you can opt for in your new survival mode, by which we mean your new “lifestyle.” There’s THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF; THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT; and finally, THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL.
Downsize… Literally
While still not conclusive, many studies show that reducing your caloric intake by 20-30% can add up to five years to the average person’s lifespan. So get ready to trim your waist and fatten your wallet, which you’ll need for those extra years.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Any dessert that you have to order before the appetizer, is out. And so is the appetizer. Also, sign up for couples cooking classes. You’ll not only save money in the long run, but you’ll learn a skill; get to know that person you share a mansion with and drag to charity galas; and your personal chef will finally get a night off. Years added: three, but quality ones. Annual savings: $6,500.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: When talking food choices, protein means money. Lobster, ahi, filet mignon – they’re all at the top of the price list. And when it says “market price,” don’t ask. If you still want to frequent restaurants with a row of Bentleys out front, you just became a staunch animal rights activist who splits a house salad and the Mediterranean medley of vegetables side dish with your significant other. You’re also now a recovering alcoholic, because a good bottle of wine can add 30% to your dinner bill. But don’t worry, your waistline will thank you, as will the lobsters and cows. Years added: six. Annual savings: $1,469.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: Do you happen to own a speargun? Otherwise, you are now a staunch animal rights activist who honors Gandhi once a week by fasting. Tap water just became an acceptable risk and any restaurant not featuring vinyl seats or a kids’ playground is out. Years added: 12 long, hard, hungry ones. Annual savings: $456.
Au Pair It Down
Who even thought that term up anyway? Oh, the French, and it means “on a par,” or “equal to,” as in an equal and loved part of the family who just happens to do all the cleaning, babysitting and any other chore you hate. Sounds like the dog gets more love, so it can’t be that hard to fire – er, relieve – her of her problèmes…
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: You were raised by a regular nanny who didn’t speak three languages and looked like a dehydrated supermodel and you turned out all right. So, can the au pair and hire a good old-fashioned nanny. Annual savings: $18,000.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: The nanny you call the au pair when at cocktail parties still has to go. Netflix and the former mortgage broker next door will “babysit” the kids for $800 a month, plus beer. Annual savings: $7,400.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: Good news. Your services are in high demand by the lucky few who still have jobs! Yes, believe it or not, getting vomited on, changing diapers and playing patty-cake pays slightly less than mortgage banking. Well, it used to, anyway. Annual net profit: $9,600.
Bon Voyage…
As in, say bon voyage to vacations as you know them. But the fact is, you were probably missing a lot hiding away behind those 12-star gilded European boutique resort doors anyway. The good news is that this is going to be a huge money-saver for all – except those gilded resort owners.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Two words: four stars. Lose the dedicated butler, the $60 valet parking and the need to tip anyone with a name tag and by our figuring, that lost star is worth about $800 a night. Annual savings: $11,200.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: A few simple rules will have you saving mega-Euros. First, Europe is out, unless it’s Iceland or war-torn Albania. Second, learn to say “aloha,” because Hawaii is your new favorite “foreign land.” You get there in half the time, deals are more prevalent right now than fresh ahi and the exchange rate is one-to-one! Annual savings: $4,000.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: The good: Since that layoff, your vacation time has gone up by 2,600%, i.e., from two weeks a year to 52. The bad: They’re not paid, so say aloha to aloha. But there are a couple great getaways right up your darkened alley: Montage Laguna Beach. You heard us; thanks to what you formerly saw as populist pandering, public access laws have made it easy to have a picnic in the park and stroll the manicured walkways fronting one of the coast’s most coveted resort properties. Do it only once a month and you can probably afford a beer at the bar. And if the tropics are what you crave, Cabo is a mere 22-hour coffee-infused drive south. Hotel room? Why, when you have that old tent and a Coleman stove? Siphon your neighbor’s Yukon gas tank and six months of guaranteed adventure and perro tacos are yours for less than the cost of your former mortgage payment. Annual savings: $5,000.
Streamline the Gulfstream
Having your own $59 million Gulfstream jet ready and waiting 24/7 is the ultimate status symbol. It’s also a huge hit on the company’s dwindling profits – staffing and upkeep is well over $1 million a year – and it’s a PR disaster waiting to happen. Enter Safari Air, a local luxury private jet charter service that will save you mega bucks, but more importantly, save you from flying commercial.
Here’s how it works: Rather than having to charter an entire aircraft, you book a seat on their plush Gulfstream IV, which flies out of John Wayne Airport to popular destinations such as New York, Las Vegas, Honolulu, Puerto Vallarta, and Cabo San Lucas, enabling the cost to be shared. Also, no fractional ownership, maintenance or prepay costs are incurred. What you do get are all the amenities, such as French-stitched leather seats, six-foot one-inch stand-up headroom, a large sofa, personal MacBook, and your choice of movies from Netflix. According to Safari Air’s Web site (safariaircharters.com), “Once aloft, your personal cabin concierge will offer your favorite cocktail, such as a hand-shaken Don Julio margarita. Savor grilled jumbo shrimp Punta Mita from a legendary chef. And if you suddenly decide you’d like a red Italian sports car waiting when you land, just ask.” The only downside is that the Mercedes engines can propel the Gulfstream IV to 527 mph, so you get to your destination much too fast.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Annual savings: at least $900,000*.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: Okay, so Safari Air is out for you. And say goodbye to First Class’s cloth napkins and Champagne flutes and hello to how the other 90% fly: economy. Annual savings: $7,000*.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: Stand by, literally. On Greyhound. Annual savings: $7,490*.
*Assuming 10 business trips a year.
Meet Your New Favorite Charity: You
Few areas are unaffected by the economic downturn. Gun sales are up 120% and domestic violence is on the rise, which sort of explains why the full 11% of our economy that is in the charitable giving sector is having its worst year since Hooverville had its own ZIP Code. Now is not the time to cut it out completely, but you’re going to have to be more picky.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Any gala that recommends a tux and charges $1,500 to feast on Champagne and organic veal while listening to a bloated guy yammer on about starving families just got less palatable. Cut out the middle-man and make direct contributions to needy kids and homeless charities instead. Annual savings: $40,000.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: It’s a tough choice, but you’ll have to choose underprivileged children or the homeless. That, or your family might fit into both categories. Annual savings: $500.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: Say goodbye to the leftover organic veal. But at least you’re in a group that will receive “direct contributions” now. Your only overhead, literally, is an empty cup. Annual savings: $4,000* net gain!
*If you can sing or dance, double it.
Morning Coffee Klatsch
It may seem insignificant, but that Peet’s morning coffee and croissant habit adds up. Specifically, to around $70 a week (based on having, for appearance purposes, to toss the change from the $10 into the tip jar). And since your accountant nixed writing it off as a business expense, it’s time to filter down. (Why do you think Starbucks closed 900 stores in the past year?) Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to gab it up, but now every word will cost a little less.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Order the triple espresso with soy milk, but skip the chocolate croissant and bring some fruit from home. When your fellow CEOs ask what’s up, just tell them your wife is making you get into that “whole healthy thing.” Annual savings: $1,368.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: Cut the habit to two days a week and bring your own Folgers from home. When friends scoff, challenge them to name one other coffee with actual “crystals.” Annual savings: $2,912.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: This is a good place to get that empty cup. Cost: $.50. Annual savings: $884.
Mo’ Green Equals Mo’ Green
Yes it’s those three Rs: recycle, reuse, reduce. But now you actually have to perform instead of just buy the bumper sticker for the Hummer. Thankfully, this one is simple and has only upsides for you and the planet. (For exact savings and gains to the environment, check out stopglobalwarming.org.)
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Install solar panels, compact fluorescent lights and adjust that thermostat. Annual savings: $7,400. (For a 5,000-square-foot estate after initial costs are reimbursed.)
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: Just separate and recycle instead of tossing it all in the trash. You’ll use an estimated 40% less plastic trash bags and feel good about yourself. Air dry your clothes, turn off your computer, buy a reusable water bottle. The choices are endless. Annual savings: $1,079. (Based on merely recycling, replacing seven lightbulbs with compact fluorescents, checking your tire inflation, and taking a few less showers.)
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: You know the cardboard boxes mentioned above? Welcome to your new home. Annual savings: What was your mortgage again?
Kid’s Birthday
Kids are often happier with the box the toy came in. And since most boxes look the same to them anyway, whether they get four presents or 40, they’re still smiling. As for birthday parties, here are some economical birthday party solutions from thedigeratilife.com:
• Use arts and crafts time as alternative entertainment.
• Don’t overdo the party favors and décor.
• Bake your own cake or cupcakes and other goodies.
• Make your own invitations and thank you notes.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: Instead of feeding pizza, cake and bad clown jokes to 20 kids, let the kids invite two friends over for the night. You avoid the drama, the bills and lugging four boxes of gifts home. Annual savings: $5,800*.
*Based on last year’s $6,000 Harry Potter reenactment.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: Out is “professional” entertainment, bags full of party favors and the Bouncy House – that’s what beds are for. In is a backyard BBQ with Cowboy Chuck and his charcoal juggling – yes, that’s you in that gallon hat. Annual savings: $500.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: Johnny turned seven this year. No pizza, no cake. Lots of hugs and kisses. Annual savings: $6,000.
Costco is Cool
Remember when it became acceptable to be seen at Trader Joe’s, especially after they built a luxe, extra-wide aisle in Crystal Cove Promenade? While we don’t expect to see Mediterranean-themed Costcos and Walmarts any time soon, their prices are more attractive than the best health food store’s organic zucchini display. And even if you just get staples like toothpaste, toilet paper and the gardener’s beer there, you still save heaps.
THE I STILL OWN THE YACHT BUT IT'S IN DRY DOCK FLUFF: We know you. Even though the au pair does the shopping, you won’t buy in bulk. Annual savings: $0.
THE I’M NOT QUITE REDUCED TO A CEO’S SALARY YET CUT: Don’t park the ‘cedes near the cart return. Annual savings: $7,200.
THE I’M ONE STEP FROM MOVING TO THE INLAND EMPIRE MILITARY SPECIAL: You have now hit rock bottom: Costco coupon clipping. Annual savings: $7,440.
WEB-EXCLUSIVE
How Obnoxious is Your Wealth?
To take full advantage of the advice, categorize yourself by taking this quick test. Scores below.
1. Your au pair knows:
a) Three languages and is well versed in the classics and Greek mythology. 0
b) One language, and it ain’t English. +1
c) Pair of what exactly? +2
2. You:
a) Have a tax accountant. 0
b) Are a tax accountant. +1
c) Run from anything using the words tax or accountant. +2
3. You last used feng shui:
a) To decorate your Caribbean vacation villa. 0
b) In a desperate attempt to save your retail store. +1
c) As a creative way to avoid slinging the F-bomb at a creditor, as in, “Well, feng shui you too!” +3
4. What best describes your consumption level?
a) Ravenous. 0
b) Moderate. +1
c) Does massive credit card interest count? +2
5. In the last year, you have:
a) Bought a car that speed limit laws won’t allow out of second gear and sounds like it was named after Italian pasta. 0
b) Traded the Hummer2 in for a Prius. +1
c) Rediscovered the joys of walking. +2
6. Fashion trends are:
a) As vital as yoga and Botox. 0
b) Impractical at the moment. +1
c) Do baseball caps count? +2
7. A nice evening out consists of:
a) Dinner at Kimera, with appetizers and dessert, followed by a symphony at the Renée and Henry Segerstrom Concert Hall. 0
b) Taco Tuesday at Mozambique. +1
c) Conning your “rich” buddy to spring for the Big Macs. +2
8. A great spa day means:
a) The Montage’s 30,000-square-foot spa. 0
b) That you finally got the Jacuzzi all to yourself at The Sports Club/L.A. +1
c) Your Laguna shack’s hot water is actually working again! +2
9. Your pets:
a) Get professional pet-a-cures and feast on top-grade organic steak. 0
b) Get a backyard bath and regular dog food. +1
c) Are de-clawed to give you a fighting chance at their food. +2
10. A green fee is:
a) Something you pay weekly. 0
b) Something you pay monthly. +1
c) What you charge for mowing the neighbor’s lawn. +2
11. Your financial plan includes:
a) Offshore accounts. 0
b) Offshore vacations. +1
c) Fleeing offshore. +2
0 – 4: You are a CEO and this may sting a little. Okay, it’s going to hurt like a botched bikini wax.
5 – 17: Say goodbye to the middle class as you know it.
18 – 22: The food line forms on the right.
