Buy, Buy Love

Whether you dread it, ignore it or look forward to roses and chocolates, the Hallmark Holiday, aka Valentine's Day, is fast approaching. So with all this pressure for romance, I decided to check in with matchmakers Merrilee and Shari, who have their fingers on the pulse of love on the coast.

I have a soft spot in my heart for these blonde beauties, since when the love muffin and I were going through a rough spot a couple years back, they were there to pick up the pieces, offering handsome, successful, interesting (and in one case kind of kinky) men ready to meet me for a cup of coffee.

I have some really attractive, successful single friends who I wish would give these girls a call, but they think they can do better on their own and so remain miserable and lonely. Both Merilee and Shari smile perfect smiles when I tell them this, nod their heads and give me their David Letterman list of the Top 10 reasons why they agree my friends shouldn’t go to a matchmaker.

1. Because there are so many quality people in the bars.

The girls raise their eyebrows. “Don’t you agree?” Well, I must say the thing I’ve noticed a few times I’ve been to a bar is that in a place like that, you can be whomever you want to be. Let’s say you’re a married guy looking for a little extracurricular activity. You slip off the ring and voila, you’re single. Catch my drift? Liars abound. However, I have heard a few romantic stories about someone going home drunk with a complete stranger and ending up married a few months later.

“Really, who was that?” Shari asks. I can’t remember, and realize it was just a dream I had about myself and the FedEx guy.

2. You love driving your mother to Palm Springs for Christmas.

You’re lonely and have no one to spend the holidays with, so your mother from the Midwest says, “I have a good idea, let’s you and me spend New Year’s Eve together on the golf course in a nice warm place like Palm Springs.” You smile and say, “Great idea, mom,” because you don’t have anything better to do. You’re in bed by 10 p.m. with a sunburn. This is a true story the coffee girls told me.

3. You like coming home and sleeping with your dog or cat.

Actually, I like cozying up with my pooch. After all, who else are you going to find to lick your feet as lovingly as that? “That’s disgusting,” say the coffee girls simultaneously. They advise clients to keep their pets locked away during the early stages of dating.

4. After five years at the same gym, you still think you’re going to meet Mr. or Ms. Right on the StairMaster.

I’ve seen lots of special someones on the StairMaster, but I was never sure they could speak complete sentences. So we’re sitting at a Fashion Island coffeehouse and up walks one of the coffee girl’s charming clients who pipes in: “Let’s say you meet women at the gym and date five or six of them over time. Do you think there’s ever a safe time to work out?” Not for you, you cad, I want to say, but I don’t.

5. Time is on your side.

Yeah, well that’s the kind of attitude that kept Warren Beatty a bachelor until he was old and wrinkled. “Right,” says Shari. “People are waiting for that perfect person to just appear at their doorstep. That doesn’t happen except in the movies.” Or to movie stars.

6. You can’t buy love.

True, but you can buy a chance at love, since of their 800 clients, they say 75% of them are happily dating.

7. Life’s too short for a commitment.

Oh, I know that one. The C word that used to stand for cancer. Statistics show married men live longer and are healthier than single men. The same figures reveal women live longer and are healthier if they stay single. That’s not too hard to figure out now, is it?

8. You’ve had great success with the people your friends and family have set you up with.

I have nicknames for these men in my life. Satan. The Beast. Dogman. Mr. Feel Good. I met the Love Muffin on my own, hence the nickname.

9. You can’t wait to start a coast-to-coast romance with that person you met at Club Med.

Ahh, Patrick Bortot from Paris. I met him when I was 21 at Club Med in Guadeloupe. We wrote passionate letters of amour. But something obviously got lost in translation. When I spent all my money on a plane ticket to visit him, his wife greeted me at the door.

10. Because you think George Costanza is sexy.

He’s everywhere, that lazy, dweeby, whiner who won’t give you his ATM code, worries about shrinkage and gets his thrills in the bathroom reading Vanity Fair. These types seem to be very available. But who wants them?

If you agree with one or more of these, don’t call a matchmaker. And have a lousy Valentine’s Day.